This is the third and final part of the story about the Little Princess vs. Billy the Meaniebutt Shark. Now then, how much of parts 1 and 2 do you remember? To be honest, Frisbee the cat had to remind me of everything that happened before because I didn’t pay proper attention.
If you remember, Lola the Bulldog told Frisbee a story about a little girl who liked to hunt sharks. One day, the little princess heard about a really mean and nasty shark named Billy, and so she set out on the high seas with her loyal crew of Jolly Pirates to find him.
Billy lived in a house inside of a volcano, which sat in the center of a scary, dangerous place called Shark Island. Lucky for Billy, the house was lava-proof, just in case the volcano ever got sick and threw up.
Billy loved the water, but because he was hired to keep Shark Island clean, he had to spend most of his time on land. Some sharks agreed that this was what probably made Billy extra especially grumpy.
One day, Billy was at home watching television and eating a human and cheese sandwich. “Nom Nom Nom,” he said. Humans with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, mayo and mustard, on whole wheat bread, was his favorite.
“So what if I’m getting a pot belly,” he grumbled, thinking about some of the jokes other sharks had made about him when they thought he couldn’t hear them. “Some things just taste better than skinny feels.”
He burped. It was a very loud burp.
Billy was watching a musical. People were dancing and singing, and he liked to think about which of them he would put into his favorite sandwich first.
Suddenly, the security alarm went off. There was an intruder on Shark Island! Billy checked the security camera and saw a little girl with long dark hair and a pretty blue dress crying and stumbling along. She looked lost.
“Well, well,” Billy said. “Looks like I’ll be having an after dinner mint.”
Eagerly, Billy rushed out to meet the snack sized human, giggling to himself because he had decided to play a little game.
The little girl walked through the jungle of Shark Island, sobbing. “Oh woe is me!” she cried. “Mama was so right about me! I am my own kryptonite!” And if you listened closely, you would have heard her add, just under her breath: “I can’t believe I just said Mum was right! I’d better get an award for this performance.”
The little girl tripped over nothing in particular, collapsed into her arms, and shuddered with sobs.
By the time Billy the Shark arrived, he was almost starting to feel sorry for the poor lost girl. Almost.
“There there, little lady, why are you crying so?” he turned on his most concerned uncle voice.
The little girl looked up at him. Her eyes got big and round like saucers. Billy took this to mean that the girl was quite frightened indeed.
“Don’t be afraid. I won’t eat you,” he grinned. All of his teeth were showing, which wasn’t very reassuring.
Nevertheless, the little girl said: “Oh Mr. Shark, Mr. Shark! I’m lost and hungry and sad! Can you help me, please?”
“By all means,” Billy agreed. “I’ll take you to get something nice to eat, ok?”
“Ok,” said the little girl. Um, but I can’t eat food and swim underwater at the same time.”
Actually, a little mermaid had taught the little girl how, but the shark didn’t need to know about that.
“I have a house here on the island, inside of a volcano. Don’t worry, it’s lava-proof.”
So, Billy lead the girl back to his volcano home, asking her all sorts of questions about her parents, where she had come from, and how she had gotten lost.
“My parents and I were on vacation,” the girl lamented. “We were so happy, until the storm came and smashed up our boat.”
“Terrible,” Billy said.
“My dad was only 37—it’s such a shame. At least my mum was 89, and lived a full life, you know?”
“Wow. 37 and 89,” Billy remarked. “That’s not just May-December, that’s Mayan Calender-December.”
“And yet somehow they made it work,” the little girl nodded.
“And what is your name little girl?”
“Um…I have amnesia.” The little girl said.
“Pretty name,” Billy remarked.
Soon, back at Billy’s house, the little lost girl seemed much less worried about her plight. In fact, she walked around the shark’s place with intense curiosity.
“Now, let’s find you something to eat!” Billy said, almost licking his chomps. “Fatten you up a bit,” he muttered. He went to his refrigerator and looked in. “Tell me little girl, what would you like to eat, hm?”
“Can I have a shark burger, please?” the little dark haired girl asked sweetly.
Billy the Meaniebutt Shark turned to her. “That’s not funny, little girl,” he said, narrowing his eyes.
“I wasn’t making a funny,” the little girl assured him, still smiling.
“Who are you?” Billy the Shark asked. There was something odd about this little lost girl, and he was suddenly getting a very bad feeling about all of this.
“Well, it’s not amnesia,” said the little girl. “Not even close. It doesn’t even rhyme with amnesia. Do you want to know what it rhymes with? I’ll tell you: it rhymes with sting. Not sting like a bee sting. Sting like: surprise! It’s a trap!”
Billy finally realized who this strange little girl was who had suddenly turned up frightened and alone on Shark Island, of all islands. He’d never seen her before, but he’d definitely heard of her.
The little girl whose name rhymed with shark hunting.
The little princess named Thing.
“No!” Billy the Meaniebutt Shark screamed. “Somebody! Haalp!”
“Say hello to my Big Bad Mum!” the little princess shouted.
“Oh no!” Billy cried. “Your mom’s here too! That’s not fair! How bad is she?”
“She’s awful!” the little princess admitted, “but I’m talking about my magical sword, see?”
She held it out for him to see. It was bright and shiny, and it looked very sharp.
Billy shuddered. “Please don’t turn me into Meanibutt shark cutlets!”
“Quiet down!” the little princess commanded. “If you surrender peacefully, I won’t have to.”
Billy stifled his sobs and tried to look as helpless and pathetic as possible.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, stinky shark!” the little princess said. “You’re such a bully, and just like all bullies, you’re really just a big ole coward at heart.”
“I’m sorry!” Billy whimpered. “What do you want me to do to make up for all of my bad ways? I’ll do anything.”
“Billy, Billy, Billy! You’ve been a bad boy! I’m going to take you to Shark Zoo.”
“Not Shark Zoo!” Shark Zoo was famous for being a place where sharks had to go in order to learn how to behave, and even do school work.
If they learned good manners, and promised to be good every day, the sharks would finally be set free again. Billy had met a few sharks who had graduated from Shark Zoo, and they were so boring.
“It’s not a zoo!” Billy complained. “It’s a prison! You turn perfectly natural sharks into wimpy little guppies. I betchu if I was a dolphin, you wouldn’t send me to such a nasty place–and dolphins are much worse than sharks!”
“What are you, an activist?” the little princess snapped. “Don’t talk to me about dolphins! I’m a shark hunter, okay? Now, hold still while I tie you up!”
And so, the little princess and her Jolly Pirates took Billy the Meaniebutt Shark to Shark Zoo. At first, Billy was very sad and bored there, but the little princess wrote him letters—and even sent some tasty snacks (not humans)—which brightened Billy’s spirits immensely. Before long, Billy was the best behaved, most studios shark in all of Shark Zoo; even standing up to bullies who liked to cause trouble there.
Billy had become so good and nice that by the time he we was free to live in regular waters again, he had gotten a new nickname: Billy the Goody-Goody Shark Who Always Likes to Brag That He’s Princess Thing’s Pal.